


I Still Feel You

by theheartofm



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Character Death, Dead Spencer Reid, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Spencer Reid, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 04:55:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29728668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theheartofm/pseuds/theheartofm
Summary: After a particularly heartbreaking case that ends with the death of Spencer Reid, Y/N remembers the times they had.Inspired by Marjorie by Taylor Swift
Relationships: Spencer Reid/Original Female Character(s), Spencer Reid/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 11





	I Still Feel You

“I’m so sorry, Y/N…” JJ trailed off as she walked into the waiting room. Y/N’s lips parted in shock, but she shook her head quickly before the news could sink in. The blood on her shirt had dried a dark shade of amber, just like the skies he liked so much. Their skies. 

“There’s no way. He’s not…” bile rose in her throat but was quickly swallowed down. They were lying. This was the Emily situation all over again. “JJ please, you can’t do this to me please.” 

Tears cascaded quickly down her face as horrible sobs ripped from her mouth. Rossi flinched and Morgan took a step towards Y/N who quickly yanked her arm away from him. “You’re fucking lying to me, Jennifer. He wasn’t that hurt when he left. He was talking to me, Jennifer!” she screamed, her knees finding solace on the cold floor of the hospital waiting room they had been in for hours. 

\---

JJ flinched at the anger coming from the woman in front of her. She had never called her Jennifer, not since the day Y/N started at the BAU. 

_ “Um, hi, I’m so sorry to bug you,” a Y/H/C girl squeaked from JJ’s left just outside the doors to the bullpen. “I have no idea where I’m going or who I’m looking for.” _

_ “Oh! I’m Jennifer Jareau. Do you have a name for who you’re looking for?” Jennifer asked, leading the girl away from the doors so they wouldn’t be blocking anyone else. The girl nodded and rustled through the pocket of her brown blazer and pulled out a crumpled piece of paper.  _

_ “Aaron Hotchner,” the girl said, looking back up at the blonde in front of her. Recognition shone in her eyes and a wave of calm spread through her.  _

_ “I know exactly where to find him, just follow me,” JJ said, a hand on the girls back as she opened the door. “Are you joining the BAU?”  _

_ “Hopefully,” the girl laughed. “I’m Y/N. Sorry for not introducing myself sooner.” _

_ “It’s no problem at all,” JJ said, walking up the stairs in front of Hotch’s door. She knocked on the cracked door before gesturing to the girl standing next to her.  _

_ “Agent Y/L/N, sir. Thank you, Jennifer!” Y/N said as Jennifer walked back to the bullpen and waited with the rest of the members of the team.  _

_ “Who is she?” Spencer asked, his eyes stuck on the girl in his boss’s office. She was beautiful and seemed to take his breath away, something the rest of the profilers near him caught onto quickly.  _

_ Morgan didn’t let him live it down for  _ months. 

\---

You didn’t know what the fuck you were going to do now that Spencer was gone. You didn’t go to work for weeks, something the team was expecting. They weren’t expecting missed calls, skipping the funeral, and unanswered doorbells or having to talk Morgan into  _ not breaking down  _ her front door. They didn’t know you wouldn’t be there anyways, instead finding solace among Spencer’s messy apartment and stacks of dusty books he’d never read again. 

You didn’t know what to do. 

You slept in his bed, ate what was left in his fridge and cabinets until you couldn’t anymore, and showered with his shampoo. One night, the cold autumn air seeped through his open bedroom window and caught your wet hair, a chill running down your spine. 

\---

_ “Y/N! Did you close my window?” Spencer yelled from his bedroom as you sat on his couch. He had gone to take a shower just a bit ago and a curse slipped from your lips. You had last night when the chill had woken you up, promising to reopen it before he could notice. An early morning case wake-up-call had given you a cover, but the promise slipped your mind by the time you had gotten back to his apartment.  _

_ “I did, I’m sorry!” you called, standing up from his couch and beginning to walk in his bedroom.  _

_ “You know, studies have found that natural melatonin levels increase in your body in cold temperatures,” Spencer rambled as he trudged over to open the window again. You rolled your eyes lightly as a smile danced on your face.  _

_ “Yes, but Spence I was freezing,” you explained, sitting down on his bed and looking up at him. He was tall, something all of your exes hadn’t been. Maybe that’s what made him absolutely perfect.  _

_ “Well, next time you get cold, you can sleep closer to me,” he whispered, slipping into the bed behind you and moving your hair so he could kiss your neck. You definitely weren’t cold that night. _

\---

A pounding on Spencer’s front door knocked you out of the daydream and fresh tears ran down your cheeks as you blinked. You wrapped one of Spencer’s throw blankets he had put on the bed on colder nights for you. Grabbing the cold handle of the door, you opened it slowly, half hoping to see Spencer there. Instead, David Rossi was standing there with bags full of god knows what. 

“I thought I would come over and make you some food. You can freeze the leftovers and reheat them later,” Rossi explained as he made his way in the dark apartment. He turned on the kitchen lights as you closed the door and started cleaning up. A stack of receipts sat on the corner of the counter and he made his way to grab them. 

“No!” You screamed, nearly throwing yourself towards him to stop him from throwing them away. Rossi dropped them like they burned him and looked back at you bewildered. “They, that’s all I have left. He always wrote notes on the back of receipts for me to find when we put away groceries. They’re all I have,” you whispered, hugging the pieces of paper to your chest. 

“Bella,” Rossi whispered as he wrapped his arms around you. You sobbed harder than you had so far, the reality of the last couple weeks sinking in quickly. 

\---

_ It was September, and despite Rossi having a  _ mansion _ instead of a  _ house _ , his pool was not heated. You also were wearing dress pants and a sweater, but Spencer didn’t care. He knew the second he saw you standing by the pool he had to jump in with you. You had always been adventurous, something Spencer hadn’t been until he met you. But the many hikes and dances in the rain he had learned to match your energy.  _

_ You, however, didn’t like cold  _ anything,  _ something Spencer was completely aware of.  _

_ The team was sitting at a table enjoying drinks when they heard a scream and a splash. Everyone rushed over trying to figure out what had happened when two heads popped up and Spencer’s laugh filled the air.  _

_ “Spencer! Oh my god it's freezing!” You screamed, smacking his chest and trying to wiggle out of his gasp as he swam towards the 6 foot end of the pool. You weren’t short, but you didn’t match his frame, and your feet eventually couldn’t touch anymore. The team laughed as you complained, and laughed as you continued to complain the entire night.  _

_ You complained the entire ride home wearing David Rossi’s t-shirt and leggings from JJ’s go bag.  _

\---

You returned to work the following week, expecting stacks of paperwork on your desk and the same nonchalance of the team. 

Instead you returned to an empty desk diagonal from Spencer’s now empty desk, and tears filled your eyes again. You drug your chair to a random table in the back of the bullpen and didn’t turn around or talk the entire day. 

You took the rest of the week off. 

-

Monday evening you made your way into the BAU wearing an old t-shirt Spencer had and sweatpants. Your badge and gun felt like they weighed 30 pounds in your hand as you walked towards Hotch’s office. The eyes of the team felt like they burned into your back as you walked in and closed the door. 

“I can’t do this job anymore, Hotch. I can’t do it. I tried, I did. I wanted to make it work. But he is gone and I will never see him again and I can’t live with that right now. I wouldn’t pass a psych evaluation and shouldn’t be anywhere near anything,” you explained, sitting your badge and gun on the dark oak desk. Your knees gave out and you slumped into a chair, leaning forward and burying your face in your hands as sobs spilled out of your mouth. 

You heard Hotch stand up and the door shut, but a ringing was starting to form in your ears as you nearly hyperventilated. Hotch leaned down next to you and pulled your hands away from your face. 

“Y/N I need you to look at me please,” he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a crinkly piece of paper. He laid it in your hand and stayed at your side. You blinked tears away quickly, trying to figure out what it was. 

A receipt. 

And on the back, in Spencer’s abhorrent handwriting you had always teased him about;

_ What died didn’t stay dead.  _

  
  



End file.
